Obnoxious Movie Theater Patrons

A word from Sarah:

I am almost positive that everyone reading this has been to see a movie in the theater at least once. This activity is such a staple in our society that even the youngest of us know the feeling of settling back in an uncomfortably padded seat with a bucket of overpriced popcorn on their laps in order to spend the next two hours with a crick in their necks. Because of this, I also feel comfortable in assuming that most of you will recognize my observations on this subject as truth.

We all know them. Those people. The ones who populate nearly every movie theater you have ever set foot in. The ones who everyone else wishes would just go home.

In case you are not already nodding along with me in understanding and agreement, allow me to delve into the details of these Obnoxious Movie Theater Features.

The Couple: This annoyance tends to come in one of two varieties. The slightly more socially conscious of the two tries to hide in the shadows of the back corner and the only disturbance comes from the slurping noises that will undoubtedly resonate throughout the theater. The less considerate couple chooses to sit directly in the middle of the room, most likely directly in front of you. Then, you not only have to listen to the sound of mixing bodily fluids, you will have to view this unpleasantness as you peer past their entwined bodies in an attempt to see the screen.

The Texting Addict: These days, we are all hard wired to check our cell phones every five minutes, just in case we happened to miss the tell-tale vibrating sensation in our pockets. I admit it, I never go anywhere without my phone. I’m even guilty of checking it once or twice during a slow moment in a film. But some take the cell phone addiction to an entirely new level. Usually somewhere in front, the compulsive texter’s face is nearly constantly lit up with the tell-tale glow from their phone screen. After an hour of this, it seems all you can hear is the “click-click” of keys being pressed and the buzzing noise that seems to grow constantly louder.

Constant Talkers: This irritant also comes in several varieties. But they all have one thing in common, constant noise. And when they all reside in the same theater… The film is all but inaudible.

The Obnoxious Comments: Most commonly a group of adolescent males, these individuals insist on adding their own commentary to every aspect of the film. Everything from, “Did you see that?” to “I’d totally tap that” to repeating every remotely humorous line has been known to emerge from their mouths at unnecessarily loud volumes accompanied by obnoxious laughter at their own lack of wit. I always find it amazing that the manager doesn’t receive complaints about them from the next theater over.

The Chatterboxes: most commonly a group of preteen to teenage girls, this group simply cannot stop talking. Stupid questions, giggles and gossip of the X-rated or entirely pointless variety (and just as often, both) fill the room. Not only does this interrupt your viewing experience, you are likely to lose a few brain cells in the process of trying not to listen.

The Over Enthusiast: Now, it pains me to list this individual as an annoyance as their noise actually comes from their own enjoyment of the film. But I do feel obligated to mention that person in the audience who becomes so overly involved in the film that they scream at every suspenseful moment or surprise, laugh too loudly at every joke or shout advice to the characters on the screen. They are also often known to ask clarifying questions about plot in an overloud whisper to their patient or embarrassed companion.

Ants in the Pants: This individual always seems to be sitting in the middle of a row. Most often, in your row or the row directly in front of you. For some reason, they cannot seem to sit still. Whether it’s for popcorn, a phone call or a trip to the restroom, this character cannot remain in their seat for very long. And with every trip to and from, you are, of course, obligated to stand while awkwardly pressing yourself against your folding seat so as to let them by. In a particularly annoying twist, they are often accompanied by an overdeveloped sense of entitlement and rarely pause to ad an “excuse me,” “thank you,” or “sorry” as compensation for disturbing you.

The Crying Baby: Now, when my sister was first born, we wound up taking her to the movie theater. She saw the first Pirates of the Caribbean when she was merely two weeks old. However, she was a surprisingly good child and slept through the entire experience. The infants that I am referring to in the section are those that refuse to sleep through a film. A baby’s cry is one of the most persistent sounds as well as one of the most difficult to ignore. Sometimes, the parent’s of these babies are good people and will politely remove the child from the theater so as to avoid the wrath of the other patrons. However, just as often, the parents attempt to quiet their spawn in their seats, thus disturbing everyone around them.

I must say that my worst experience with this was when I went to see the 6^th Harry Potter film. My group and I were seated directly next to the couple and their baby. The baby in question was far from well behaved. Barely ten minutes into the film, it started making a fuss. Its parent’s halfhearted attempts to comfort it did next to nothing. Even a bottle and a diaper change (right in their seats, I may add) were completely ineffective. After a long series of angry comments from the other audience members, one of the baby’s parents eventually stood up. But they did not vacate the theater as we had hoped. Instead, they walked with the baby up and down the isle. A baby crying in the back of the theater is most certainly not a particular improvement on the baby crying directly next to you.

The Skyscraper and The Seat Kicker: Though these two are clearly irritating in two separate ways, I have grouped them together for one simple reason – their unfailing proximity to you. Defying all laws of probability, the tallest individual in the theater always seems to sit directly in front of you. At this point, their head and shoulders appear to swell and take up the entire screen, no matter which way you try to shift in order to see around them.

To add to this torment, the most restless person always manages to sit directly behind you. It starts off as a light tap on the back of your seat every so often but by the end of the movie, it feels like they are throwing their entire body weight behind their kicks which come increasingly often.

Between craning your neck in an attempt to see the screen and turning around to glare at the offending kicker, it is amazing that whiplash is not a more common side effect of going to the theater.

Due to the increasingly large numbers of these irritants populating our cinemas (and the increasingly sticky floors as they spill their sodas) I find it difficult to understand why normal people still bother with going out to see a movie. Personally, I’m starting to prefer my extensive DVD collection accompanied by the surround sound system that we FINALLY figured out how to plug in.

Though, I suppose that if I crawled into the very comfortable hole known as my home theater, I wouldn’t emerge nearly often enough to gain material for these snide blog entries. So there are downfalls to both sides of this dilemma.